Monthly Archives: March 2012

10 Lesser Known Murphy’s Laws-Mama Bread Baker Style

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1.  The pillows that come with your Bed-In-A-Bag set never look the same on your bed as they did in the photo.  The pillows they use for the photo shoot are genetically altered, steroid-enhanced pillows.  The ones you receive are their southern inbred cousins that just lie limp daring you to criticize their lazy attempt at fluff.

pillows piled in the corner of a bed

Would it hurt you to at least pretend you are a fluffly pillow?

2.  Six months after you pay off any vehicle—give or take one day—your engine will blow.  The cost for a new engine will be exactly 25% of the original vehicle price—give or take one penny.  To avoid this issue, never pay off your vehicle.  Refinance when you have one payment left and spread the payments out for as long as the bank will allow. 

3.  The minute you plan a day for yourself, at least one crumb snatcher will end up in the principal’s office and you will be called in to discuss your child’s inability to keep their hands to themselves.  If you were especially brave and scheduled a massage, one or more crumb snatchers will end up in the emergency room. 

4.  If you decide to add an inground swimming pool to your property, you will meet every neighbor the minute the backhoe arrives—even the creepy ones who you normally only see after dark. 

backyard swimming pool

It's nice to meet you after living next door to each other for ten years!

5.  A text you intended to send to your current spouse—that calls your ex-spouse a no good rotten piece of feces—always goes to the ex-spouse.  It doesn’t matter if you checked the contact name multiple times before sending.

6.  Lower calorie, healthy snack options you bought for your own snacks—whether or not they contain fiber—will be eaten by the crumb snatchers immediately before they consume the Oreos and Doritos you bought for their snacks.

Doritos

7.  If you decide to place your home for sale on the market, termites will swarm in protest, the roof will leak, the toilet will overflow, and the dishwasher will stop working.  You can apologize to your home for your desire to leave it, but it will continue to punish you for at least six months for even having the thought.

8.  The one show you set your DVR to record will be erased, leaving only 480 episodes of “Sons of Gun.”

9.  You will NEVER run into anyone you know after paying your stylist an arm and a leg to highlight, cut, and style your hair.  You are, however, guaranteed to run into your spouses ex when you go to the grocery store in sweats, no make-up, and with your hair in a frizzy bun on top of your head.  Furthermore, they will have just come from the sylist after having their hair highlighted, cut, and styled.

10.  You will not be able for the life of you to think up a 10th lesser known Murphy’s Law when you title your blog “10 Lesser Known Murphy’s Laws.”

And with today’s bonus post, I’ll leave you with a bonus quote:

“Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.  It just makes me cranky.”

© 2012 CThacker

How To Blend A Family Without Pureeing the Members

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Have you ever checked out the settings on a blender?  You’ve got grate, mix, liquefy, puree, and blend.  I have no idea what the difference is between these settings, nor have I seen much of a difference in the output.  I believe that’s how the phrase “blended family” was coined.  You throw a bunch of different people together, hit one of the buttons and swirl it all around for a minute, hoping you get something that’s palpable and doesn’t look too much like baby diaper pooh. 

Peanut milk in a blender before filtering.

So this mixture didn't turn out too bad!

Chief Money Maker and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on how to deal with the crumb snatchers.  Sometimes we see head-to-frying pan.  Now that doesn’t happen just because we are a blended family.  I’ve seen biological parental units argue over whether or not they should kill their teenaged crumb snatchers too.  I know one couple that has been together for over twenty-five years because they couldn’t decide who would TAKE the children if they divorced!

When I arrived in the picture, I quickly noted that Wolfy and G-Bear liked to request monetary compensation when they were asked to perform chores.  At that time, it really wasn’t much of my business how he handled them, so I sat him down and asked him this question anyway.  “Why did you have children?”

He thought for a moment and finally said, “So I could have joy, laughter, and share my knowledge and life experiences with them.”  I said, “Yeah, but that doesn’t happen until they give you grandchildren so what are they for in the meantime?”

Picture

Grandchildren...the hope for all parents of teenagers!

He sat a little longer, and a light bulb went on above his head.  Granted, I had turned on the kitchen light but it still had the same effect.  Wolfy and G-Bear continue to receive compensation for chores.  Now it just comes in the form of food, clothing and shelter like God intended. 

The Eldest and Sweet Pea have lived this concept for years and know better than to ask Mama Bread Baker for money in exchange for chores.  So now they just ask Chief Money Maker.

Chief Money Maker and I also have different approaches to discipline.  I’m more of the military, get ‘em in a daily routine, it’s my-way-or-the-highway mindset.  He’s more I’ll-be-on-the-golf-course-call-me-if-someone’s-bleeding mindset.  This approach has led to a few problems in our blended family.  I’ve been perceived on occasion as the evil stepmother.  I keep reminding The Eldest and Sweet Pea that I’m their biological mother!

We’ve found that the key to successful discipline in our household is to present a united front, especially since they outnumber us.  Consistency also helps, so we consistently remind them that they are free to move out while they still know everything. 

The Eldest took us up on that offer back in September.  He returned in February—humble, hungry, and humoring us that we might possibly know what we are talking about after all.   We just thanked God that he didn’t return multiplied.

Whether you are a nuclear or blended family, there are three essential keys to dealing with teenagers—communication, setting clear expectations, and accentuating the positive.  Now we all know that the last one is a little difficult to achieve when speaking of a teenager.  This little tip works well for us.  We communicate that if they don’t adhere to the expectations, we are positive there will be consequences.  All three concepts wrapped up in one simple sentence.

It can prove to be challenging to reach common ground in a blended family.  The key is to keep trying those different blender settings until you finally churn out a mixture that both parents can enjoy.  We’ll call our mixture grandchildren.

© 2012 CThacker

Poor Poor Chief Money Maker…Literally

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Chief Money Maker has a master’s degree.  Along the way he took microeconomics and macroeconomics.  However, he was never schooled with the financial knowledge he would need once he obtained a girl.

Last week, Sweet Pea batted her eyes and told Chief Money Maker she needed a pedicure.  He said, “But we’re leaving in the morning for a softball tournament.  No one will see your toes.”  Sweet Pea fluttered her lashes again and said, “They will in the hotel room.”  Shaking his head, he handed over his wallet and walked away muttering, “In what universe does that even make sense?”  Welcome to your Ph.D. course in Teenage Girl Economics 101.

Food Network

Sweet Pea: But I just CAN'T let them see my toes like this!

Sweet Pea has also been invited to the prom in May.  Chief Money Maker, being a boy for most of his life, didn’t understand why we needed to begin dress shopping in January.  He now knows it was to give him time to process a second mortgage.  He was okay with that at first.  He assumed she could wear the same dress her junior and senior year.  It was like yanking a pacifier from a baby when Sweet Pea explained it didn’t work that way.  He desperately sought to reason that maybe she could at least skip her junior year and wear the dress again her senior year.  He’s now researching how to obtain a third and fourth mortgage.

Mortgage debt

Chief Money Maker: You heard me correctly...I need a mortgage to buy a Prom Dress. And keep the credit line open. She's got two more years!

There was a brief moment when he thought the prom economics might work in his favor.  A friend of her cousin’s needed a date for prom at a different school.  She explained that if she went to that prom she could wear the same dress.  She smiled and said it would be like he bought two dresses for half a second mortgage each instead of one dress for a whole second mortgage.  For a nanosecond he thought he’d gotten a bargain.  Then he opened his wallet and realized either way, it was still empty.

 

A picture of a wallet.

Woooah! Wait a minute...you've still got cash left? Sweet Pea needs her hair did!

He is also learning about the seasonal clothing requirements involved with girls.  Spring is here, mandating new flip-flops.  He looked down at the Crocs he’s worn for the past five years and started to question what happened to last spring’s flip-flops.  Instead he just handed us his wallet.  I married him because he’s a quick learner!

The advantage of having a girl is that he has come to appreciate the boys.  Last night G-Bear brought me a pair of shorts that had a rip in the derriere.  He asked if I could repair them.  The best I could do was to apply a patch.  When I asked why he didn’t want a new pair he said, “I like these shorts.  I’ve had them since they were below my knees.”  Tears rimmed Chief Money Maker’s eyes.  With voice cracking he said, “I love you son.”

From his sandbox days, Chief Money Maker knew girls weren’t the same as boys.  He just didn’t realize how different they were until he had one.  He watched in amazement this past weekend as eighteen girls prepared for their softball tournament.  They sat in the hotel lobby braiding hair and choosing ribbons.  Game preparation for Wolfy and G-Bear simply involves one question.  “Did you remember your cup?”

There is one aspect of having a girl that Chief Money Maker is enjoying.  He gets to pull out his revolver for cleaning when boys come-a-calling.  Just don’t tell anyone that he can’t afford actual bullets to put in the gun. 

Revolver

That's right boy...you treat her right or I'll, I'll,...ummm, I'll just have to hit you upside the head with my revolver!

As summer approaches, we’ll introduce him to Teenage Girl Economics 102.  Tanning salons.  I have a feeling he’s going to ask, “What’s wrong with the sun?  It’s free!”

© 2012 CThacker

Mama Bread Baker Answers Reader Mail

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Since I’ve become a columnist and blogger, I’ve received thousands of emails with questions about how we manage life with five crumb snatchers.  It took me a long time to create all those free email accounts and send those questions, so I feel I owe it to myself to answer them in this week’s posting.

The most common question I’ve received asks how I manage to keep a clean house with so much activity.  This is a great question.  G-Bear once asked why I like cleaning so much.  I explained that I don’t like cleaning but I do like things clean.  While he scrubbed the toilet with a toothbrush, I provided a lesson in the barter system.  If I want a clean house, someone has to clean it.  If he wants to eat, someone has to buy and prepare the food.  We bartered.  He cleans, I cook, he eats and everyone is happy.

How Clean Is Your House?

Why pay these ladies when I have crumb snatchers?!

If your child isn’t as food motivated, you can employ the most recent method we’ve found for keeping a clean house.  We placed a “For Sale By Owner” sign in our front yard and told the crumb snatchers we would move to a house with a swimming pool, media room, and a personal butler—other than me—to  attend to their every need.  I just hope we don’t end up with a moose in our swimming pool. 

We periodically hire people to drop by and view our home.  The crumb snatcher’s rooms have been immaculate, although there has been some recent concern that the asking price of one million dollars might overpriced for our home.

English: For Sale by Owner Sign svg

Just don't put your real home number on your sign!

Another common question asked is how we manage to maintain equality among the crumb snatchers.  That one’s easy.  We don’t give any of them anything.  It eliminates all complaints of unfairness.

I’ve also been asked how Chief Money Maker and I maintain a romantic relationship with so many crumb snatchers in our home.  I find that question highly personal, and I never should have asked it.  But I’ll provide an answer anyway.  At least once a month, we sneak out and go on a date.  We do things that we are confident the crumb snatchers won’t be interested in doing.  Such as attend city council meetings, PTA conferences, and medical seminars.  There’s nothing better than a lecture on how to prevent toenail fungus to get those romantic juices flowing.

I’ve also received emails offering us more crumb snatchers.  Although on any given night, it may appear that we are running a half-way house for teenagers, I can assure you that we are actively trying to get rid of the ones we already have.  We appreciate the offer, but we don’t want any more.  My doctor will only give me so much Xanax, you know?

Occasionally, I’ll receive an email that praises my child-rearing abilities, compliments my work as a writer, and reminds me that one day I’ll miss all the hustle and bustle that comes with a home as full as ours.  It’s usually signed, “I love you.  Please don’t leave me alone with all these crumb snatchers.  Your husband, Chief Money Maker.”

So there you have it.  The answers you’ve all been waiting for.  Please feel free to post your own questions about life at the Thacker Plantation.  And as a bonus for reading this week, I’m going to throw in my all-time favorite tip for finding peace in a home with teenagers.  Disconnect the internet and cable television.  They’ll spend more time at their friends’ houses. 

© 2012 CThacker

Mama Bread Baker Pulls a “Thelma and Louise”

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Two weeks ago I packed my bags and ran away.  I pulled out of the driveway, carefully trying not to run over the crumb snatchers in the road crying, “Who will feed us?”   I hit the road to Atlanta for a much needed weekend of relaxation with a girlfiend–that is a friend who is a girl.  Even a hamster needs to occasionally step off the wheel.

English: A hamster and a hamster wheel

Someone PLEASE stop the spinning!

I arrived and checked into the hotel.  Lo and behold, I was welcomed by a lobby full of giggling teenage girls in town for a cheerleading competition.  Is there no such thing as escape?

Friday evening, I checked in at home.  Chief Money Maker asked for my recipe to Mexican casserole, Sweet Pea tattled on a sibling, and G-Bear asked if he could go outside and play.  I hung up the phone and let the battery run down.  Accidentally on purpose, I had forgotten my phone charger. 

On Saturday morning, my friend and I headed to the lobby to enjoy breakfast prepared by someone other than ourselves.  The dining room was packed with cheerleaders stacking their plates with breakfast fare.  The food bar screamed out for relief.  The chef appeared from the kitchen door, disheveled and looking like she had just run a New York City marathon. 

Just like breakfast at home, the eggs were gone.  Biscuits were gone.  Sausage was gone.  The food-deprived teenaged athletes stood with plates extended begging for more, reminding me of Hurricane Katrina survivors waiting for humanitarian relief.  Fortunately, the All-Bran cereal hadn’t been touched so my friend and I didn’t starve.

Bran Buds

The cereal that teenagers won't touch!

Later, we ventured out to the mall for some shopping.  Obviously, we didn’t think that through very well.  We were once again surrounded with cheerleading competitors with their bows and perky little voices.  I heard one say, “Mom, can I have some money?” Instinctively, I grabbed my wallet and almost handed the child my debit card.  Chief Money Maker was unknowingly close to purchasing a Coach purse at Bloomingdale’s for some teenage stranger from Florida.  Thankfully, my friend snapped me back to reality.

Later that night, we sought out a place where our chances were slim of running into teenagers.  Johnny’s Hideaway seemed promising even though neither of us is named Johnny.  We were thrilled to find the place packed with patrons in our age demographic—old enough to have teenagers but too young to escape to a nursing home—and spent several hours listening to music where you could actually understand the lyrics.  I begged Johnny to let us hideaway forever but he said, “Hey lady, I’m not Johnny.”

I also had a wonderful dream during my get-away.  I dreamed I came home and found the beds made.  The towels were changed and neatly hanging on the towel rack.  The dishwasher was loaded and running.  All the crumb snatchers were waiting on me hand and foot.  Then I woke up and realized it was only the hotel staff.

But alas, the weekend had to come to an end because Chief Money Maker’s hotel rewards points were depleted.  If you get the chance, I certainly advocate taking a break every now and then.  Take my advice, though, and book an adults only cruise.  Just make sure it isn’t on that Italian cruise liner that keeps sinking and having fires.  You’ll just feel like you never left home.

 

Royal Caribbean's Freedom of the Seas luxury c...

Did you say unlimited adult beverages?

It was a wonderful weekend and I enjoyed sharing some quality time with my dear friend.  I returned home where the madness awaited, and alas, none of the crumb snatchers died from starvation. But, I did learn something from my weekend get-away.  Our crumb snatchers aren’t that different from others across this country.  They are all hungry and ask for money.       

© 2012 CThacker