I knew when I gave Chief Money Maker his post Valentine’s Day analysis, he would have to respond. He always has to get the last word when I give him the opportunity to speak…or in this case, write. I’ve included the original Commandments to which he is responding, but you can click here to read the entire letter.
Dear Mama Bread Baker,
While we had a wonderful Valentines Day this 2013 year, I was almost enlightened by your posting last week. Upon deep personal reflection, I would like to share what I learned on that wonderful day which is forever etched in my memory as “VD 2013.”
Still Crazy About You! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
5 Valentine’s Day Shalt Not’s
Thou Shalt Not greet your bride, early in the morning, wearing a sparkly red Speedo while shouting “Happy VD Day, Honey!”
My Dearest Valentine, I must admit that a potbelly belongs on a wood burning stove, not a middle-aged man wearing a sparkly red Speedo! For this, I must deeply apologize for any future nightmares you experience! I will also gladly fund your psychiatrist, or the number of cases of wine it will require, to erase that vision from your memory! Hypnosis is also an option.
Thou Shalt Not claim the full glass of wine as yours, when your bride says it’s hers.
Yes Snookums, upon reading our marriage certificate’s fine print, I found the marital eminent domain section designating bride’s right to claim husband’s glass of wine any time she desires (Note to self: Always ensure a spare bottle of wine is readily available when my bride’s wine glass is emptied misplaced, or any other time my bride deems it necessary to confiscate my glass).
Thou Shalt Not refuse your bride’s offer of hot gummy lips –the candy you weirdo’s—by saying your recently pulled tooth makes it difficult to chew.
Sweetie, besides being the weirdo you married, I cannot refuse your Hot Lips! I confess that it was not the candy that I desired, but a delicious kiss from the woman who has put me on a pedestal as the immortal Chief Money Maker. *Editor’s Note: Sucking up will do you no good!
Thou Shalt Not tell the waiter your wine choice was inspired by your bride while circling the air around your ear with your pointer finger no matter how funny you think it is.
Oh Sillyhead, I was not speaking to your lunacy but was simply conveying to the new waiter that I wanted “The Smoking Loon” wine. You know that any mental instability you possess is a direct result of the Crumbsnatchers. (Note to Self: Hopefully she doesn’t catch on that I informed the new waiter that if he didn’t get us the wine soon, my wife’s reaction will make Charles Manson look like a choir boy).
Thou Shalt Not argue with your bride when she says the first twenty-seven holes of putt-putt were warm-up and declares herself Champion after winning the back nine.
Pumpkin, I must remember that you possess an extremely competitive nature. It matters not that you preempted the game with a statement, “Prepare to have your butt handed to you!”. Thankfully, this was a loving game of Putt-Putt and I was delighted to see that you enjoyed the last nine holes of the game, kind of. . . .
5 Valentine’s Day Shalt’s
Thou Shalt feel free to punch the waiter for calling your bride “fat” by asking, “And now for you, sir?” after she ordered three sushi rolls for the both of you.
My little Chunky Monkey, that poor waiter was obviously new and mentally walking through the waiter-for-dummies checklist: “Water? Drinks? Appetizers? For you ma’am? and for you Sir?” Personally, I think he wanted to get my order before I spotted the All-You-Can Eat Sushi special that night!
Thou Shalt remember to bring earplugs for your bride in the event a dear old great-great-grandmother, perhaps even one of the original Wizard of Oz flying monkeys, decides to sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”….extremely off-key.
Oh, Lovebug, I did consider a drastic measure to help you forget about her performance, but it would have required me singing, which would resulted in the place emptying out, or all the patrons emptying their dinners onto the floor. Thus, I thought it best to remain firmly planted on my backside wishing that I could pull two pair of desired ear plugs from my pocket.
Thou Shalt support me in the future when I tell the Crumbsnatchers that I am not talking dirty after yelling, “Stop exacerbating my ill mood!” instead of calling me a “Potty Mouth” in front of them.
Unfortunately, Pooh Bear, today’s school systems are yielding a generation of kids who assume any multi-syllable word not associated with a rap singer must be a “dirty word”. Perhaps we need to take our governmental approach and dumb down our verbiage for this F-generation? May I recommend the following response next time, “Stop pissing me off or I’ll pop a cap in your knee!”?
Thou Shalt make mental note that, “Money’s tight, don’t worry about getting me a gift,” really means don’t worry about getting me an expensive gift.
Princess, thank you for setting me straight on this hidden meaning and I will ensure you are properly gifted next time. This definitely resonates like the last similar guidance I received when I answered “Yes” after you asked me “Does this dress make my butt look big?” (By the way ,the knot on my head is no longer visible.)
Thou Shalt let your bride win the first twenty-seven holes of putt-putt so you don’t have to argue with her when she tells you they were warm-up while declaring herself Champion after winning the back nine.
Angel, I did try this tactic once when we were playing pool at which time it was clearly evident that I was “exacerbating” your foul mood and poor pool playing that evening. Fortunately, none of the Crumbsnatchers were around as they would have definitely heard some “Potty Mouth” when you labelled me with a myriad of colorful names for allowing you to win. This was also the night that I hid the cast iron skillet when we got home as a precautionary measure.
Thank you for such a memorable Valentines 2013 along with a plethora lessons that I can take through our next Valentines Day.
Love Always (except perhaps on the Putt-Putt fields)
Chief Money Maker