‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a teenager was stirring, cause that would take effort from them self
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Cause Mama Bread Baker had her liquor stashed there.
The Crumb Snatchers were nestled all snug in their beds,
They were tweeting and texting the words in their heads.
I was in my jammies and Chief Money Maker had snapped
He had seen the credit card bill from the gifts that I’d wrapped.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I flew out the door just like a mad hatter.
I went to the curb of the street in a flash,
I didn’t see anything out there but our big bucket of trash.
The moon wasn’t out, and there wasn’t any snow,
We live in the south; I didn’t expect it ya know?
But then what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a little old sleigh with four wheel drive gear.
The little old driver was lively and quick,
He moved too fast for me to hit with my stick.
He shouted and whistled and more teenagers came
But they wouldn’t let Rudolph join in the games (oh wait, that’s a song-back to the poem.)
There was a bunch of stuff about reindeer,
And things that could fly,
I didn’t know what was happening
And I was out of my Xanax supply.
I watched as he stood atop of our roof,
I said, “Hey, that was just replaced this summer you Goof!”
As I wagged my finger he turned around,
And he dashed down our chimney with a bound.
<At this point I have to go inside the house for the rest of the poem. You can come with me.>
He was dressed all funny from his head to his foot (he only had one apparently)
And he was dragging dirt all over my clean floor (Yeah, I know it doesn’t rhyme-but I had just scrubbed those floors yesterday!)
He had a bunch of toys all flung on his back,
I said, “Those are for our Crumb Snatchers, you put them right back!”
His eyes did twinkle and he had some dimples that’s true,
But Chief Money Maker was still snoring
And I wasn’t sure what to do
I grabbed a bottle of wine and said, “Do you want some too?”
He laughed and his belly shook like jelly,
“Of course I do,” he said, “don’t be silly.”
“How much milk and cookies can one man take?
I’m glad I came here and you were awake!”
He was chubby and round, a funny looking elf,
I handed him a drink and he set it on our shelf
He winked at me and then Chief Money Maker walked in
I said, “Look Honey, we have a new friend.”
We sat and chatted about the Crumb Snatchers for a while,
He told me things they had done and his stories made me smile,
‘Cause I knew in the morning, I could bust them all out
Oh, they’d know they were in trouble, no doubt.
He said don’t be too hard, they’re good kids you know.
I giggled (’cause the wine was kicking in) and asked for some snow.
He laughed at me again and said,
I’m NOT Mother Nature you know!
When our visit was done, he gave his sleigh a whistle
I said, “Don’t call that thing in here ’cause I’ll have to vacuum too!” (Yes, yes, I am aware it doesn’t rhyme again, but do you understand how much cleaning I do here?”
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and have a good-night.”
Chief Money Maker and I looked at each other and said,
How the heck did the Crumb Snatchers sleep through all that?
We shook our heads in wonderment and went off to bed.
Right before I dozed off to sleep,
I wondered if it had all been a dream
I think tomorrow night, I won’t spike the hot cocoa and cream!
- Image via Wikipedia
© 2011 CThacker