Since I’ve become a columnist and blogger, I’ve received thousands of emails with questions about how we manage life with five crumb snatchers.  It took me a long time to create all those free email accounts and send those questions, so I feel I owe it to myself to answer them in this week’s posting.

The most common question I’ve received asks how I manage to keep a clean house with so much activity.  This is a great question.  G-Bear once asked why I like cleaning so much.  I explained that I don’t like cleaning but I do like things clean.  While he scrubbed the toilet with a toothbrush, I provided a lesson in the barter system.  If I want a clean house, someone has to clean it.  If he wants to eat, someone has to buy and prepare the food.  We bartered.  He cleans, I cook, he eats and everyone is happy.

Why pay these ladies when I have crumb snatchers?!

If your child isn’t as food motivated, you can employ the most recent method we’ve found for keeping a clean house.  We placed a “For Sale By Owner” sign in our front yard and told the crumb snatchers we would move to a house with a swimming pool, media room, and a personal butler—other than me—to  attend to their every need.  I just hope we don’t end up with a moose in our swimming pool. 

We periodically hire people to drop by and view our home.  The crumb snatcher’s rooms have been immaculate, although there has been some recent concern that the asking price of one million dollars might overpriced for our home.

Just don't put your real home number on your sign!

Another common question asked is how we manage to maintain equality among the crumb snatchers.  That one’s easy.  We don’t give any of them anything.  It eliminates all complaints of unfairness.

I’ve also been asked how Chief Money Maker and I maintain a romantic relationship with so many crumb snatchers in our home.  I find that question highly personal, and I never should have asked it.  But I’ll provide an answer anyway.  At least once a month, we sneak out and go on a date.  We do things that we are confident the crumb snatchers won’t be interested in doing.  Such as attend city council meetings, PTA conferences, and medical seminars.  There’s nothing better than a lecture on how to prevent toenail fungus to get those romantic juices flowing.

I’ve also received emails offering us more crumb snatchers.  Although on any given night, it may appear that we are running a half-way house for teenagers, I can assure you that we are actively trying to get rid of the ones we already have.  We appreciate the offer, but we don’t want any more.  My doctor will only give me so much Xanax, you know?

Occasionally, I’ll receive an email that praises my child-rearing abilities, compliments my work as a writer, and reminds me that one day I’ll miss all the hustle and bustle that comes with a home as full as ours.  It’s usually signed, “I love you.  Please don’t leave me alone with all these crumb snatchers.  Your husband, Chief Money Maker.”

So there you have it.  The answers you’ve all been waiting for.  Please feel free to post your own questions about life at the Thacker Plantation.  And as a bonus for reading this week, I’m going to throw in my all-time favorite tip for finding peace in a home with teenagers.  Disconnect the internet and cable television.  They’ll spend more time at their friends’ houses. 

© 2012 CThacker